Why do we sometimes put a joke in the newsletter? See Proverbs 17:22

“A cheerful heart is good medicine”

Two men are walking through a graveyard when they come across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man“ . “Good heavens”, says one of them, “I wonder how they managed to get two people into that small grave?”

“Dear Lord, I pray that you will put one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth.  Amen”

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.  After a while, he came downstairs and informed his mother that he had thought to over and had then said a prayer.  “Good” said his pleased mother, “If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, He will always help you”. 

“Oh, I didn’t ask him to help me not misbehave” said Johnny, “I asked Him to help you to put up with me!”.

A teacher asked her class “Now, how many of you would like to go to Heaven?”.  All the children raised their hands, except Tommy.  The teacher was a bit surprised and asked him why he didn't want to go to Heaven. Tommy answered, “I’m sorry Miss, but I can’t, my mother  told me I have to come straight home after school”. 

Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.”

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. “My mother turned back once while she was driving” contributed little Johnny, “ and she turned into a telegraph pole!

Two nuns from Dublin who were changing trains in Belfast, said to the ticket collector “We are Sisters of John the Baptist”. The ticket collector, who was a fervent Protestant, said “Well, that’s a lie - John the Baptist was an only child

I was asked the other day why I was looking so healthy. I explained that I had taken up yoghurt. My friend exclaimed “It just shows that some of those funny foreign religions can really help a person.

Little Johnny was asked by his Mum what he had learned in Children’s Liturgy.

“Well Mum, the teacher told us how God sent Moses behind  enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked safely across.  Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio HQ for reinforcements and they sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.”  “Is that really what the teacher taught you?” asked his Mum.  “Well, no Mum, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!!!”

A priest told his congregation “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my homily, I want you all to read Mark 17”.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his homily, he asked how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The priest smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A little child in church watched as the offertory plate was passed around. When it neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. ' You don't have to pay for me Daddy. I'm under five.'

“Did you like my homily on ‘The Milk of Human Kindness’?” 

Parishioner: “Yes, but I wish it had been condensed!”

A bishop was astonished to hear little Mary say that a person must be very brave to go to church these days. “Why do you say that?” asked the bishop. “Well I heard my uncle tell my aunt last Sunday that there was a canon in the pulpit, that the choir murdered the opening hymn and that the organist drowned the choir”.

A grandfather and his little grandson were praying side by side in Church. The little boy was muttering in a barely audible voice, so his grandfather said: “Don’t mumble, I can’t hear a word you’re saying”. “But Grandad,  I’m not talking to you”. Said the little boy indignantly.

A father was informed proudly by his young son that he knew what the Bible meant. His father smiled and asked, somewhat sceptically, “Well, son, what do you think it means?” “That’s easy Daddy, it stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

One evening a father was listening to his son saying his prayers. The little boy started by saying “Dear Harold”. At this his dad interrupted saying “Wait a minute, why are you calling God ‘Harold’?”. The child looked up and said “Well Dad, that’s what they call him in church. You know the prayer we say - “Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name!”

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St Peter's R.C Church - Cardiff

Just imagine if the world was a place where children of every country had enough to eat, time to say their prayers and not much to be afraid of if they hear a bang in the night.  Let’s pray that one day it will be.

Humorous thoughts

Why do we sometimes put a joke in the newsletter? See Proverbs 17:22

“A cheerful heart is good medicine”

And finally… “Two men are walking through a graveyard when they come across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man“ . “Good heavens”, says one of them, “I wonder how they managed to get two people into that small grave?”

And finally… 

“Dear Lord, I pray that you will put one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth.  Amen”

and finally…

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.  After a while, he came downstairs and informed his mother that he had thought to over and had then said a prayer.  “Good” said his pleased mother, “If you ask God to help you not to misbehave, He will always help you”. 

“Oh, I didn’t ask him to help me not misbehave” said Johnny, “I asked Him to help you to put up with me!”.

And finally…  A teacher asked her class “Now, how many of you would like to go to Heaven?”.  All the children raised their hands, except Tommy.  The teacher was a bit surprised and asked him why he didn't want to go to Heaven. Tommy answered, “I’m sorry Miss, but I can’t, my mother  told me I have to come straight home after school”. 

And finally, a prayer for the day…

“Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.”

And finally…..   

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt. “My mother turned back once while she was driving” contributed little Johnny, “ and she turned into a telegraph pole!”

And finally…

Two nuns from Dublin who were changing trains in Belfast, said to the ticket collector “We are Sisters of John the Baptist”. The ticket collector, who was a fervent Protestant, said “Well, that’s a lie - John the Baptist was an only child!”

-------------

And finally…

I was asked the other day why I was looking so healthy. I explained that I had taken up yoghurt. My friend exclaimed “It just shows that some of those funny foreign religions can really help a person.

-------------

And finally…

Little Johnny was asked by his Mum what he had learned in Children’s Liturgy.

“Well Mum, the teacher told us how God sent Moses behind  enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked safely across.  Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio HQ for reinforcements and they sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.”  “Is that really what the teacher taught you?” asked his Mum.  “Well, no Mum, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!!!”.

-------------

And finally…A priest told his congregation “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my homily, I want you all to read Mark 17”.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his homily, he asked how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The priest smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

-------------

And finally...A little child in church watched as the offertory plate was passed around. When it neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. ' You don't have to pay for me Daddy. I'm under five.'

-------------

And finally… Priest to parishioner:

“Did you like my homily on ‘The Milk of Human Kindness’?” 

Parishioner: “Yes, but I wish it had been condensed!”

-------------

And finally…

A bishop was astonished to hear little Mary say that a person must be very brave to go to church these days. “Why do you say that?” asked the bishop. “Well I heard my uncle tell my aunt last Sunday that there was a canon in the pulpit, that the choir murdered the opening hymn and that the organist drowned the choir”.

------------

And finally...

A grandfather and his little grandson were praying side by side in Church. The little boy was muttering in a barely audible voice, so his grandfather said: “Don’t mumble, I can’t hear a word you’re saying”. “But Grandad,  I’m not talking to you”. Said the little boy indignantly.

------------

And finally…

A father was informed proudly by his young son that he knew what the Bible meant. His father smiled and asked, somewhat sceptically, “Well, son, what do you think it means?” “That’s easy Daddy, it stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth

------------

And finally…

One evening a father was listening to his son saying his prayers. The little boy started by saying “Dear Harold”. At this his dad interrupted saying “Wait a minute, why are you calling God ‘Harold’?”. The child looked up and said “Well Dad, that’s what they call him in church. You know the prayer we say - “Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name!”

------------

And finally…

A Church group were discussing different ways to pray when one man remarked “I do some of my best praying whilst I’m driving”. In a quiet voice, his wife agreed. “I also do my best praying when you’re driving dear!”

A little child was praying - “Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mummy, my sister and my brother, my doggy and me.  Oh, and please take care of yourself God.  If anything happens to you, we’re going to be in a big mess”.

A teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”  A hand shot up in the air.  “He is an artist!” said a little boy.  “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.  “You know - Our Father who does art

Two nuns from Dublin who were changing trains in Belfast, said to the ticket collector “We are Sisters of John the Baptist”. The ticket collector, who was a fervent Protestant, said “Well, that’s a lie - John the Baptist was an only child

Adam was walking with his sons, Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden and one of the boys asked “What is that?”. Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home!”

A teacher was reading Bible stories to the class. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."  One chid asked, "But what happened to the flea?"

After hearing the story of Adam & Eve, children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate it. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman. The teacher couldn’t understand how this illustrated the story of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!

As they were leaving church one Sunday, a man confided to his friend that he was suffering from insomnia. The friend replied that he had no trouble at all getting to sleep. “Really” the first man said, “Do you count sheep?”. “No” was the reply, “I talk to the Shepherd”.

Funny things that can be learned from the Bible and applied to life.

1.. Don’t miss the boat.

2.. Remember that we are all in the same boat.

3.. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

4.. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

5..Build your future on high ground.

6.. For safety’s sake, always travel in pairs.

7.. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the

Cheetahs.

8.. When you’re stressed, float for a while.

9.. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.

10.. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

One day an angel appeared to Adam and said, "I've got some great news for you. God is going to create something wonderful for you,  He is going to make something called a woman for you."

Adam, very intrigued, said, "Tell me more." 

The angel said, "This woman will be a lot like you physically, only much more beautiful. She will live to serve you at all times, cook your meals and look after you if you’re sick.  And what's more," the angel continued, "she will never argue with you or complain. She won't nag you or talk back to you either.”

Adam had a sparkle in his eye and said with excitement, "Wow, that sounds amazing. I'd really like to have something like that. But what's it going to cost me?"

The angel said, "It's going to cost you your right arm, and a leg."

Adam thought about it for a while, and then asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

Two Catholics have lived very good and also very healthy lives.  They die and go to Heaven.  As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Gosh, I never knew Heaven was going to be as good as this!”.  “Yes” says the other “and just think, if we’d have eaten more burgers we could have got here 10 years sooner.”